Alcoholism: Marriage & Family Heart Breaker!

Is your family being negatively affected by problem drinking or even alcoholism? If you are living with someone whose drinking is at problem levels it may be difficult to tell when the drinking is at problem levels:

• You may feel powerless and assume you can do nothing.
• You may live in fear of his/her unpredictable escalating mood.
• You may of tried to talk about it, or maybe you’re apprehensive to talk about it.
• Or you may simply be frustrated and not know quite what’s best.

One way or the other, your family’s life has become significantly impacted by the drinking. People react differently to this kind of stress.  It may leave you feeling unsure if you’ll be ignored or confronted.  You may not know what to trust.

Who you thought you knew may temporarily vanish!  Alcohol can change how a person thinks.

  Do you or your kids ever feel like you walk on eggshells due to the drinking problem?

If so, I’m wondering if you can imagine it differently - just what changes can be made.  I won’t tell you it will be easy; I will tell you it will be significant, empowering, and you can be supported through it. 

I’m guessing there’s risk either way:

• Continued risk of a continued drinking pattern and its impact OR
• Managed risk of taking manageable steps to improve life for you and your family.

Managed risk would look like coaching or counseling!

Which one will it be? 

Adversely affected by actions beyond your control, or taking manageable steps of action that decrease the pain and increase the functioning of your life.  All of it!

If the situation is constantly changing from hopeful to dismal, I get the challenge you have.

What if it’s a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde situation?

If Dr. Jekyll is the family member you knew and loved, Mr. Hyde is the one who appears when alcohol takes over.  This unwanted character can rear up and create havoc in your family.  I’m probably not telling you anything you don’t know.

However, in this situation you need to handle yourself differently.  You need to think differently, act differently, and use different strategies.

What can you do?

Basically, the stage of the problem and the kind of change you’d like, determines your choices to address the problem.  Whether you decide to start with coaching by phone or counseling in my Boulder County office, here’s several things you may focus on:

• Family Safety: Safety of children and family members is imperative with any change considered (physical care, emotional climate, ability to communicate). 

• Learn New Skills: Any family system will change when one person is strong enough to change.  The one person I’m talking about is you!  Learn to match your words, actions, and behavior to send a powerful message.

• Work it out in a healthy way: The problem may be at a stage where you need to insist the problem drinker recognize the problem and change behavior. Depending on the situation this will look different (access inner strength for an intervention, finding an interventionist, clearly communicate your needs, negotiate, set boundaries, establish consequences, and follow through).

• Integration into the family after treatment: Tailored to specific needs, sessions may alternate between individual, couple, or the whole family.

• Taking action with enforcing consequences: Sometimes the first step is the hardest.  I know it sounds difficult, but even a little at a time is movement towards improving your situation.  Each situation is unique.  Separation and divorce may or may not be in the picture. If this means divorce, doing so in healthy ways for children is imperative.

You choose how we work with the drinking problem.

Unfortunately, it’s not unusual that the problem drinker won’t readily agree to come to counseling. In this situation, know there are strategies that can help the family respond constructively and motivate the drinker to change or seek treatment.  Coaching may be that first step.

You don’t have to all be on board at the get-go. The first appointment with a therapist may include any combination of family members.  If you decide coaching as a first step, it’s done on the phone.

Alcohol problems in marriages are not uncommon!

You and your family have been taking quite a hit on this whole alcohol problem.  There may be a lot of uncertainty.  You don’t know which way to turn, who to trust, or how to talk about it.  The problem drinker’s thinking can be distorted.  It can infect the family.  This is how your thinking can become infected.   It’s not your fault.  It can happen so slowly you might not be certain if there’s a problem or not. 

The good news is

When you’re ready to bring positive change into your family, there is support in making change. You can start the counseling process with any number of family members, come in by yourself, or suggest coaching.

But, but…

“It’s hard to reach out. It’s hard to change - and scary, too!”

Change can be hard. Rarely will your life have significant positive change without your having some pretty significant heart-to-heart conversations with yourself and facing what’s scary. Yes, change can bring up fear. The process moves at your pace. Life can be so much better!

“It’s not really that bad!”

When this is true, it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing because the time to change an alcohol pattern is before it causes further damage to family relationships, friends, and work opportunities.

Alcohol changes the thinking process. Without drinking, they express one thinking process, but when your loved one is drinking, the person you loved - this thinking process - is gone.

“I’ve been holding things together for quite some time. I’ve got it covered.”

When you cover a problem you also cover your strengths needed to resolve the problem. The strategy of working silently and diligently to keep peace in the family may work for a while. But it takes a toll on you and your family. I think you know this already.

Am I right?

“If a person has a genetic makeup for alcoholism, they’ll never stop drinking.”

The genes a person inherits is only partially repsonsible for alcoholism.  Lifestyle - your friends, the amount of stress in your life, and the frequency of alcohol in your life - is also a significant factor.  

When a person has a genetic makeup for alcoholism or has become alcoholic (over time) cutting down is not an option.  The genetic tendency can be overcome, and you as a concerned family member can play a positive role in this change process.

“It’s more than just a drinking problem. Can counseling or coaching still help?”

Yes, this is more often the case than not. It’s not unusual that individuals and families with alcohol-related issues have other problems, too. Usually issues play off each other. Often problem drinking makes the family more vulnerable to other problems, such as:

• Relationship and sexual issues
• Depression
• Spousal or Child abuse
• Volatile and hurtful arguments
• Addicted and distorted thinking
• Destructive behavior
• Children acting out destructive patterns
• Legal and financial problems
• General chaos in the family

Take the case of Mary and John (not their real names):

Mary and John have been married for 25 years. They have two teenage girls. John is a successful salesman and travels a couple times a month for his job. Mary works part time and sets her schedule to accommodate the needs of the girls. Initially, she described what seemed like a successful life - nice home, country club membership, two wonderful children, great friends, etc.

John’s traveling increased. The marital relationship became distant. Mary became concerned. Often when John was home, he was drinking or drunk. The girls withdrew from the family. Because of the lack of intimacy, connection, and attention, Mary thought that John was having an affair. She talked with him about her suspicion. It resulted in painful arguments. His drinking increased. The eldest daughter moved in with another family.

Mary proposed couples counseling. John refused. This left Mary with a choice - go to counseling alone, continue trying to persuade her husband (which was frustrating), or do nothing. She’d thought about counseling for quite some time, but thought it was an admission of failure. After five sessions:

• She learned to manage her own emotions.
• She spoke with her husband so that he would listen.
• At last report, they had started couples counseling.
• At last report, John had outside support and was 33 days sober.

Mary took a step that really paid off. What about you?

Finding the Right Fit for You!

Who is the right coach or therapist for you?

Research shows that the single biggest factor in how well coaching or therapy helps the client is the quality of the relationship between client and coach or therapist. It is important, therefore, to check whether this is a person you feel comfortable with and can trust.

If you’d like to see if we’d click, email me to schedule a free 20-minute phone consult.

I’ll get an overall understanding of your situation and determine fit on my end. You do the same.

Why Jeff Jones?

I think it’s valuable to know that I have alcoholism in my past, both from training and personal experience (3^rd generation family patterns of alcoholism).

My credentialed professional experience includes:

• Certified Addictions Counselor (CACII).
• International Coaching Federation certification (specific to addiction recovery) in progress
• Board Certified Clinical Sexologist (DAACS).
• A master’s degree (MA) in couples and family counseling.
• National Certified Counselor (NCC).

I’m highly skilled at both holding the energy of chaos, and working both sides of an issue to resolution. I look for what is effective and creates movement, balancing personal choice and responsibility with empathy and understanding.

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